I’m just gonna jump right in with a couple thoughts here. I’ve come to a place philosophically where I believe the worldly phrase, “Every cloud has a silver lining,” basically equates to the idea that, “God can bring good out of any situation,” or something to that tune. They’re almost the same thing, looking for the positive things that come out of sucky circumstances or events. One just involves God, giving Him the credit, and the other doesn’t. I would prefer to give God the credit since I think He is the grand orchestrator of all things good. (Internet tells me ‘orchestrator’ is not a real word. Oh well.)
That being said, I’ve been struggling a LOT lately with everything going on with my leg, the pain that comes when I run and the whole physical therapy ordeal that’s been happening to try to correct it. I keep telling God I don’t even know how to pray about it, other than for Him to reveal His glory somehow through it all. It’s extremely frustrating, feeling like the physical condition of my body is going backwards some weeks when I can’t even walk without feeling like I’m doing it wrong somehow. I don’t know if God has something planned exactly, but I KNOW He can bring good and glory to His name in every situation, including this one. Looking for that silver lining, so to speak.
Over the past year or so since I started running (more like jogging) just to be somewhat active and take care of my body, I’ve learned something about myself. Long ago I already got over the shock that - gasp! I actually like exercise. Endorphins are such a funny thing in that you can’t see them or really detect their presence through normal measures, but I’ve definitely experienced the hype that everybody talks about. Endorphins feel GREAT! So yeah, lazy bum Shannon turns out to actually like physical activity afterall. But the quality I’m seeing emerge now is also a positive thing about myself that I never expected, and is somewhat lifting my spirits a little. Despite the many, many times I’ve finished a run, hike, or PT session, feeling like everything I’m doing is wrong and I should stop altogether to avoid the pain by going back to being sedentary, I just cannot give up. I don’t know what’s driving me exactly, but I find myself trying again and again. Not that I’m determined to run a marathon or anything. I just want to be active.
It’s strange because at no point did I ever decide that I would never give up, it’s just something that I can’t seem to do. I’ve thought about it a lot. Simply switch to the elliptical, bike machine, or water aerobics. Or heck, just forget about exercising altogether and I’ll have so much more time in the day. But that’s a stupid idea. I wanna run, so I’m gonna run. And I wanna hike so I’m gonna hike, and I’m gonna find a way to do it that doesn’t break me.
So yeah. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve found a level of determination in myself that I didn’t know I had. And it’s nice. Makes me feel good about myself for once. College has actually done the opposite lately, showing me how lazy I can be through my procrastination and doing the minimum amount necessary. I will admit that was moreso during the last year than the first three. But nevertheless, this newfound determination could be a silver lining, even if I still don’t know what God is up to with this whole leg thing. Afterall, I did pray a while ago that He would help me discover who I am, and this could part of that prayer being answered.
So thanks, God, for the encouragement. For showing me one positive thing so far. I don’t want any of this to be about me, though, so I’m still praying that your glory be revealed, no matter how this ends up.
“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5